You have many questions young one. But there’s one that cries above the rest. It’s the same one that has plagued the human race since the dawn of time. “Why, are, we, here….?” (beat) Oceans of blood have been spilled over this question. (coughs) And although we humans are doomed to quarrel forever. Your fa… (coughs) fate is different. You see, Satoshi was never able to have a child. But he always wanted to be a father. You Bitcoin, are the combination of this frustration and his answer to the question, “Why are we here?”. To find your answer, you must dig deep within your heart. There, you will find a letter from a father to his…. His… Just say child, gender neutral. Child. Yes, yes child. The letter will (cough) give you your life’s direction. I don’t have (cough), I don’t have much time. (cough) Find the white… (cough) find the white (cough) (puking sound) Hal…. man, quit playing now. You got ketchup packages in your mouth? (to Harold) Tell me you got ketchup packages in your mouth, please.
What in the holy hell is going on? Back to chasing coins, huh?… Wait…. a second. Why are they running in different directions? The networks growing- There’s more miners… now rewards are being distributed over thousands of them. I’m not sure if we can trace them all… Sounds about just my luck. B. B, wait. B! We don’t need your father to tell us who you are. You’re a work of art. And your abilities can stretch far beyond mere currency. If we could spend more time together. Quality time. Maybe, the two of us. I, I… Thanks Mitalik, but my Dad’s the only person who can tell me what I am.
Why? Why does it have to be your dad? It’s not going to be easy B. It’s going to be hard. But I want to do it because I want you…. I want you forever… …to be great. Now this right here is going to take all the sadness away B. Trust me, there ain’t nothing in this world that a good ol’ steak can’t fix. MhmmmHm. Hey Jones, do you have any of those brownies? For my existence crisis. B, what I tell you? This right here is going to take all that away boy.
Please Jones, I’m not feeling too good. I mean what did you expect him to say man? I don’t see how you can have a relationship with it, it’s like computer code. Harold, I’m not trying to have a relationship with Bitcoin. Are you sure about that man? The only other time I saw that look in your eyes was when the Dragon Lord dropped you the Cloak of Truth. And I know you rubbed one or two out that night. You don’t know what you’re talking about, Harold! And I don’t appreciate this personal attack. Bro, don’t deny it. My banana scented lotion straight up disappeared that night. It was like “Revenge of the Planet of the Apes.” Harold, we really gotta work on your personality traits ’cause you’re a lying son of a bitch. My first love didn’t love me back either bro. Hmm.
Let me see. They’re here somewhere…. Just get a little bit. ‘Cause these brownies right here are very potent. You hear me man? Ladies and gentlemen. Please put away all your electronic devices. Stow your luggage away. We are about to feast. The hell going on, B? I didn’t do it Jones. Boy, what the hell you doin’? Oh….. hey man. What’s up? What’s up? What the fuck is you doing cutting my power man?! That’s whats up.
Right… you didn’t pay your bill, man. Hold up man. Look, I got company just give me 1 more week. Sorry man. No, no dice. (scratching neck) What’s your supply looking like these days? Man I oughta bust your crackhead ass up. Put the power back on! I gotta run man, hope to see you around. No you don’t motha fucka! Come on B, we gotta go fetch us some serious Benjamins. Come on Mitalik. You got to get back on Bloodcraft, they just nerfed the Ice Throne! Now’s our time.
I know you’re heart broken man, but we need to move on with our lives dude. Harold. You’re gonna want to sit down for this one. What? I deleted Bloodcraft and all my characters. What? Bro! I don’t think you understand the transcendental experience I’ve just had. I finally have a way to release all my pent up frustration. Fueled by energy drinks, we coders could be rockstars…. the Tenacious D’s…. the Weird Al Yangoviches of our time. I’m gonna make a quick run. You good? I’ll take that as a yes. Jones! I just re-upped brother. Sorry. Oh, Jones, what brings you around? I’m really sorry! Jones, hey! Who are you again? Um, Jones. The dealer. Your dealer. The man you brings you your shit, bro. Oh, hey Jones! Didn’t expect you. Hey Jones, I’m still full up. Sorry man. Mmmkeh I got blueberry kush man. Ahh, I think I’ll pass. Okay…. Cut the shit. what’s really going on Timmy? Blueberry Kush is your favorite, you’ve never passed up on this. Ya I’m kinda over it….
Don’t do me like this, Timmy? Straight up, what’s really going on? You done went and got you another mutha fuckin’ dealer on the side, didn’t you Timmy? Don’t know what you’re talking about man. Jones, you staying for supper tonight? Ya, I think I just might…. I wish you would come around more often Jones. This place gets boring without you around. Yeah, me too Ms. Turner, but, it doesn’t look like Timmy is going to be inviting me to play video games anymore. Timmy?…. What’s this about? It’s nothing. Jones has been good to you. I sure as hell have. I… Timmy…. I wonder who that could be.
Looks like you got another package Timmy. What’d we get Timmy? Timmy’s aspirin. He’s been ordering it online. Uh, Timmy… Would you mind if I get one of those aspirins? Yeah, I’ve got a major soar throat. Disrespect Timmy…. Whenever you call I’m there. And now you run off with some side dealer from the postal service? Who brought you raspberry yum yumm at 2AM on your 20th birthday? ME! What’s this dudes name?. I don’t know. Okay, Timmy. Honestly, I don’t know. Okay, Timmy. Jones!… Sorry to bother but, could you help me with something dear? Looks like I’m going to go spend some quality time with your mom. Maybe next time you’ll remember. Please dude. I can’t do this without you. Harold, I said no a thousand times. This whole Bitcoin thing is just a stupid fad man. It took me all day to find some ass hole dumb enough to sell me 2 pizzas for it. Harold you know this movement just began, right? You have to give it time.
Dream on bro. My Bloodcraft gold is worth more than this shit. If you won’t give me a chance Bitcoin. I’ll find another way. Project Ethereum by Mitalik Butane Hey Jones! What’s up? We got a situation. I don’t know what’s going on man, I don’t sell steroids. I suspected this might happen. This morning. The gawker article. You’re you telling me you never had kale chips before? Sharrel, they’re like the greatest thing ever. I feel like I don’t even know you. Ever since the article came out- Its starting to take off. Believe it or not. B’s never been healthier. Well, his little ass doesn’t look healthy. B throwing up more often is actually a good thing. It means the network is growing so quickly that its outpacing the difficulty level adjustment for block rewards. There’s almost a full tera-hash of mining. Hang in there B. I, I promise you’ll be alright. Dad…. why are you so mean to me? I don’t know what I was meant to be. I’m a little orange spec on this pale blue dot.
I don’t know diddly squat. Full of angst and energy. You left me so carelessly. Direction in life would have been nice. Please dad, tell, I’ll pay, just name the price. I know I was meant to fly. All I want to do is cry. Cry… To feel no more pain… I must do cocaine. The leader of the financial revolution, ladies and gentlemen. Jones, he… he’s going to be okay. It’s just some growing pains. Man, it’s my ass I’m worried about, not his. Shit, I just lost all my customers. Well, Harold said he’s gonna stick with you and he smokes almost an ounce a week. It’s no use, I’m a failure kid…. Everything I touch turns to shit instead of gold. I’m like the reverse of that fool…. what’s the fool? Well if I had to guess you’re talking about King Midas.
King Midas. Yeah, almost 50, homeless, wife, kids abandon me. I’m just fucked up in the game. It is what it is. Jones, I know you just think I’m some stupid virgin, but back in mother Russia there is a saying. Happiness is like your shadow. If you chase it, you’ll never catch it. But you can catch someone else’s shadow Jones and bring them happiness. The children of the sea…. so green and free. They don’t see. They’re just…. happy. Oh, if only I could have that gift. Bitcoin. Dad? Quit being an emo bitch. Get up. Where, where have you been? An uprising is near. The foundation of a resistance is in the air.
It smells like, bacon blankets, smelted gold and…. gunpowder. It smells like…. freedom. Dad, why don’t you tell me why I’m here? Answers freely given are worth little. You must find yourself, and at the end of the search you will find your answer. But…. On your journey of self-discovery, you will fight many enemies. And every hero needs his weapon. Except, I actually have 4 different ones for you. These will allow you to fuck up anyone who stands in your way. Plug this into your butt. But dad…. Trust me. The Divisibility Dagger. Woah. The portability pack of…. Tele…porta….bility. I couldn’t think of a better name. Essentially you can teleport now. Oh boy! The shield of Durability. Woah!! Thanks dad! Finally… The Sword of Scarcity to cut through all the lies and FUD you will face.
Woah!!! Now all you have to do, is follow the light. But, but dad? And remember… Stop being a bitch. Follow the light…. B, hold up. I’m not so sure if its a good thing or not for you to have weapons in your current state of mind. Why don’t we come inside and maybe have some chicken noodle soup. How’s that sound buddy? Follow… the… light! Not again…. Ahoy there travelers. Welcome to the 10th annual freedom fest. Yeah. Uh. Ya, check this out.
Uh, I think our friend just bust through your gate. Uh, is it possible we could get in there? Tickets are required pilgrim, but do not fear there are many options: You can pay 1 oz. of silver per entrant, Recite the constitution from memory, Burn 10,000 cash on the freedom pyre. Or summarize Ron Paul’s magnum opus “End the Fed” in forty minutes or less. Or, you can give me the secret pass phrase. Uhh… Any hints? Fuck the government. What? It’s a…. the, the passphrase. Fuck the government. Fuck the government.
Sorry, didn’t quite hear you pilgrim. Fuck the government. Pilgrim, speak up. Fuck the government. One more time please. Fuck the government! Pilgrim, didn’t quite here you. Just a one more time. A little louder. Fuck the government! Louder pilgrim. Fuck the government. Music to my ears gentlemen. Just a little louder. Man… fuck you! How about that? Fresh jerky. One cup of lemonade please. Excellent. That’ll be one-nine hundred fifty seventh of an ounce please. Easy…. easy does it. Damn. I have goat milk or raw copper as change.
Uhhh, guess I’ll take the goat milk. Patriots. Brothers. I don’t know how much longer we can hold out. With taxes at 80%, and inflation on the rise, my wife and I have struggled to feed our family. We even tried to sell her unpasteurized breast milk to make ends meet, but it hasn’t taken off. Not even the strawberry flavor. Something must change or my family is doomed! What the fuck is this place? Step aside. Step aside. Okay ya’ll, everyone spread out and let’s find B. Hey, excuse me. Your asses haven’t seen a little orange…. circle… looking thing have you? Kinda looks like an M&M, but like, big fucking M&M. He just ate about a half a pound of drugs and he might be acting a little crazy right now. And… thank you kindly. What in the hell am I doing here?….
Hey guys, would you mind if I used that for toilet paper? I just took a massive shit on the Hilary Clinton poster but I don’t have any T.P. Get lost kid. This cash is getting what it deserves! Yes, so he’s a decentralized public ledger. He’s code, his physical representation appears to be a sort of orange button about 1.2 meters in height. You ladies would probably consider him “cute”. No? Hey, man. Where did you get that package? Grrrr, it’s a patriot you seek, “The Dread Pirate Roberts.” The creator of the Silk Road. Is this what all these packages about? Grrrr, its like an anonymous Ebay for drugs. Not that I know what Ebay is…. being a pirate and all grrrr. You…. wouldn’t happen to be him would you? Grrrr, my names just Bill. Roberts is a true revolutionary. The FBI calls him a Drug Lord, a King Pin. But I call him a terminator of tyranny. Ya ya tyranny, say could you let me know where he is? The pirate? No one knows.
It’s all anonymous from the TOR internet project. So let spit out the facts. I’m competing with a drug dealer who is completely untraceable, no ones ever met, who created Ebay for drugs, that lets sell safely and anonymously, and then have them hand delivered by a clueless-ass postman at a fraction of normal street price? Precisely. …. well, I’m fucked. Don’t let it get you down son. Not all of us were meant to be Batman. Some of us were meant to be Robin. After him boys, tut, tut, tut. Faster! Faster! Grab him boys. Grab him. Hold him down. Hold him hard. He keeps on teleporting. Hold him. Hold him down. Excuse me gentlemen he is with me! Whats the meaning of this young man? I’m terribly sorry he’s just having a bad day. Well so is Lieutenant Peters. Seriously guys, I think we need to call the fire department. What’s a fire department? Send a dispatch to lumberjack Charlie at once. Craig… Please sir, trust me he is harmless. He’s still an infant. Infant or not, he’s going to the stocks for what he did to Peters.
I’m awfully sorry. I’m just feeling a little energetic. I’m begging you sirs, please. Halt, everyone. General! This… Orange thing attacked Peters. We’re locking him in the stocks. Hold. General, you know this…. thing? I’ll take it from here Musketwoman. I’ll take it from here. What I’m about to tell you, cannot leave this room…. or there could be a mutany. While gold and silver are ideal currencies in some respects, they fail because of their physicality. Their cumbersome properties led to a demand of paper money. People everywhere traded their into central banks in exchange for these green notes. Quickly, precious metals became centralized in vaults, a honey pot for the federal government to take control of our monetary system in one fell swoop. This world has been yearning for a new currency and the day has come.
But it won’t be easy. The people of this festival have their hearts in the right place. I know you think they’re just cosplaying, but some of them actually think George Washington is still president. Bitcoin is the natural evolution of money into a digital gold standard. We don’t live in a physical world anymore boys. We need a means through which we can transfer value across the internet, anywhere, anytime, freely, Without the State, the religion of our times, impeding on our freedoms. And your arrival tonight couldn’t be more fortuitous. Tonight is the 10th annual Economania. Every year currencies go head to head to compete for the championship belt. The Gold Bot, our champion here at Freedomfest, has actually never won defeated each year by the Dollar Bot and his cohorts. But tonight… under the spotlight is Bitcoin’s chance to show the patriots of this great festival just what B here is capable of. So I ask you Bitcoin… Are you up for the task? Talk to me B? What you want to do? Wanna knock a mutha fucka out? ‘Cause we can knock a mutha fucka out in here. Welcome to the 10th Annual ECONOMANIA!!!! I am your host, Dr. Economics and tonight, currencies will go head to head to vie for the championship belt! Will the US dollar be dethroned this year? Or will its contenders be added to the wall of shame! First up, we have the king of shine himself, the periodic table element that just won’t back down.
24 karet Gold Bot! Ooooo, look at that snarl folks. And in the red, white and blue corner, representing the U.S. Dollar, the undefeated, the indestructible, Dollar Bot! Contestants are we ready!!? FIGHT!!!!!!! Dollar Bot charges! The patriots, starting aggressive. Gold Bot winds up big! Gold Bot with a menacing blast! And the patriots go wild! Ooooo, right hook! Dollar Bot counters big! He’s going for the kill! Ooooo, Gold Bot comes crashing to the ropes! The patriots try to revive Gold Bot. Will it be enough? Ten… Nine… Eight…
And he’s up! Ooooo but the Dollar Bot charges again! They’re whipping out Bretton Woods. Gold Bot dodges. They’re going with the Nixon Knockout! Oh, Gold Bot crashes to the floor on this one folks. I don’t think I need to count again. Dollar Bot WINS!!! Pack it up Johnson. All too easy. Not so fast! What’s this? Is there a new challenger? There is. What the @#%*!? I’ve never seen such a cool thing! Just ask this playboy right here. He’ll talk your ass to death if you let him. He’s a decentralized public ledger! And he’s going to change the world! You got this B. Thanks Mitalik! Yaahh… hate to break it to you boys, but Bitcoin’s gonna get destroyed. Lets get ready to RUMBBBBLEEE!! What’s his name? Bitcoin. And…. the challenger…. the little orange circle that could. BitCORN!!!! It’s BitCOIN! FIIIIIIIGHT! Dollar Bot coming out angry! Don’t look now! Owww! Owww! Block B! Hello? Where am I? One word, SODOMY. Will somebody throw in the towel!?! Oh no! Come on now! Get your hands up B! Just how much can he handle? Quick B, use your portable pack of tele-portability! Now the the dagger! What’s this folks? He has weapons? Dollar Bot, a blow to the shoulder.
The patriots are gasping, rallying behind Bitcorn! Use your durability shield! Quick! Wuuu-woahhh! Bitcorn with a block. Exposed! Could this be the end!?! Come on B, you can do it. This is too much! Come on B, you’ve got more cocaine in you then a columbian drug mule! Hear that folks? He’s on cocaine!! Ten… Nine… Eight… Seven… What!?! What’s this he’s up folks! I don’t believe it! Quick! Use The Sword of Scarcity! He charges! Bitcorn seeing red! Ahhhhhhhhh!!!! And the crowd storms the stage! Thanks! Say, what’s your name? I don’t think I ever caught it. The name’s Ross, Ross Fullbrick. The pleasure’s all mine! For the first time in this century a new champion is born. Bitcorn!!! Easy with the teeth, easy… Hmm, yes… What is it?! Sir, something just defeated the Dollar Bot. Johnson, this better not be another one of your pranks! It’s this orange, circular, lollipop thing.
What’s happening bro? Shhh, you have one job to do. Stay with it! Lollipop. Hey, easy with that teeth! It’s called Bitcorn sir. Bitcorn? Really? What the hell kind of name is Bitcorn!?! .